somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
