if you like me you must not know who I am
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
