You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
