yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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