my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
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I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
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On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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