I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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