i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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