the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
