the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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