we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
