my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
