wat bout pragnant strippers??
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I AM VODKA MAN
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
