I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
