i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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