My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
