phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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