"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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