look no pants
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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