my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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