This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
