im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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