When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
