I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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