Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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