It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
