i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize