It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
