I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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