her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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