so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
