I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
