Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Randomize
