omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
