You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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