She is in my trunk
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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