Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
