i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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