i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
