The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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