They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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