and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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