I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
