So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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