3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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