Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
