I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
