I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
