where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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