also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
