if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
