Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
