Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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