I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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